Dissimulative

If I wasn't left crying alone all these years, I would have known what to say to you now.

Since I was small, the one lesson that I've learn again and again is that when you cry, you cry alone. And it's true in all occasion.

Yes. You were never there when I needed you. You weren't there when I broke up with my first boyfriend. You weren't there when I had a fight with my best friend. You weren't there when I didn't get selected to be the head prefect. You weren't even there when I started to become a woman.

You were a void.

And I hated you with every fiber that made up my being. Including those half that came from you. And I still hate you because I'm becoming more like you.

"It's not about me. You have to do it for yourself." my eyes felt hot, giving me away. My voice trembled betrayingly. The tears that I had been holding back finally broke. I was not sure if my voice was comprehensible. I looked away.

I don't know why it hurt so much to see your tears. After hating you for almost a lifetime, I shouldn't be here crying with you who had forsaken me.

The memory of a younger me came to mind as if it was yesterday. I was always sick. I was always very sick. It was late at night. I vomited on my bed. And in a flash, I saw an angry you. I saw my child self cleaning up after myself. I shook my head try to shake the bitter feeling that came with that particular memory.

But then another memory came. The memory of being beaten for some silly mistakes.  A gauge clicked inside me. This is what we call grudge. And it makes you ugly inside out.

"You can't live your life hating him forever. You have to move on. Stop thinking about what he did to you, stop thinking about what had happened in the past." I tried to look at her. She was biting her lips. Tears still falling down her powdered cheek. And even if I didn't see those tears, I'd know what I said is true.

"No, I never thought about him. I hated him." she said. And it sounded like a lie. In fact, it was the biggest lie ever told. I know what he did to you. I now understand what it felt. I was raised under the circumstances so that I could understand, but there was nothing that I could say to change anything.

"That's a lie." I said blatantly. "And you know it is. You think about him every day. Every time you lie on your bed you think about how he did you wrong. I know you felt like your life was wasted on him. But you can't go on like this. Live for yourself. Don't let him do this to you." I stopped before I could say - You hate him, remember? But I nodded to myself.

That's what I told myself everyday so that I won't be like you and him.

I wiped the remnants of tears on my cheeks and in my eyes. I looked at Emma. Young and fragile, listening trying to understand what the hell I'm talking about.

I stood up, straighten my face and went to the kitchen to fix lunch.