Life is not a movie, and other duh things I didn't realize hithertho

Today I realized I do not do the things I loved anymore. I used to write and draw and was learning to paint and I played and listened to music.

Too much happened to me.

I used to be the person who like anything until something happened to make me dislike it. Now, I hate first until it proves to not be hated.

Did life do this to me? Or am I just going to the wrong direction?

I lost two people I considered best friends - they are the two that I know of. Three actually. I lost another quite some time ago. I was mad and sad I cried till my eyes are swollen and puffy. But then I became angry. I hate them even. I hate them for making me cry. I hate them for confusing me, for breaking my heart. For making me feel so inadequate for their friendship. But there's a piece of me that says I am better without them. Yes. I am better without them.

Anyway, since I have time in hand, too much of it, I should write. But I don't instead I waste my time doing nothing. I only eat and sort of waste away in existence.

Joey was kinda trying to reconcile our friendship, but I don't feel like doing it. I just want to be left alone. I love him and I appreciate the effort but I just don't want people in my life. I don't know what's happening.

A Clockwork Orange-ish Kind of Day

No. If you're reading this (I am quite sure no one would) while looking for some sort of clue about the novel, then, I should tell you to go get your copy and read it because it's a good read. Suck it up and go read.

Okay now, it is not a violent day and I can't ever imagine myself in any circumstances (okay, maybe if the spirit of an evil dead man possessed me) do anything that Alex would do; except for listening to Beethoven.

It's a dull day. Looks like it is going to rain, and yes, I'm reading -rather trying to read- A Clockwork Orange. I feel like I should be doing something important but instead I'm typing this. Just so I could fill the emptiness I feel. Isn't it shitty?

Nothing's changed

"I've been in love. It's painful, pointless and overrated."

I've got a meeting of some sort Friday. I have mixed feelings about it.

1. It's job related. It's an informal interview actually.

2. I kinda owe it to one of my bestie. I'm pretty sure she vouched for me. But she seemed a bit distant, I'm confused.

3. I'm afraid I'll blow it. I don't feel adequate.

At the same time, I am trying to just accept everything God has planned for me. Maybe it's the month, but I am feeling better. I think I'm giving up writing.

Okay, maybe a lot has changed. I have changed. I hope for the better.

Along

Fizi sikat rambut depan cermin. Rambut ikalnya sudah sedikit panjang, sudah menutup parut kecil di dahi kanannya. Nanti, dia akan minta Along potongkan. Dia senyum. Baru tadi, dia dengar suara Along memberi salam. Fizi senyum. Dia tak sabar mahu menunjukkan kertas soalan hari ini. Dia mahu Along menyemak jawapan yang ditanda.

Along di bilik. Along duduk di hujung katil bercadar merah jambu. Tudung Along biru, padan dengan baju kurung kapas berbunga biru kecil. Seperti biasa, Along renung lama-lama gambar di dalam frem kayu miliknya. Along senyum nipis.

Fizi tolak daun pintu perlahan, cuba mengejutkan Along. Tapi sebaik sahaja Fizi masuk ke dalam bilik itu, Along mengalih pandang ke pintu dan tersenyum. Along terbalikkan frem gambar dan letak di atas katil. Fizi menggaru kepala, tersipu.

Di tangannya sebuah buku soalan.

‘Ada apa sayang?’ lembut suara Along. Fizi suka tengok Along senyum. Bila Along senyum, ada semacam lesung pipit di sebelah kanan mulutnya. Fizi menghulurkan kertas soalan Bahasa Inggeris pada Along. Hidungnya kembang kempis menunggu reaksi Along.

Along senyum lagi.

‘Sayang adik!’ Along tersenyum, tangannya masih memegang buku soalan. Fizi ikut tersenyum. Cuma senyumnya lebih lebar. Mata Along bergerak-gerak meneliti jawapan yang ditanda Fizi. Bibirnya terkumat-kamit, tetapi senyum tak lekang.

‘Along, aku nak 5A UPSR ni.’ Fizi bersungguh. ‘Kalau aku dapat 5A, aku nak pergi sekolah sukan, aku nak main bola. Boleh kan Along?’ soalnya.

‘Boleh… Kalau adik dapat 5A nanti, Along belikan hadiah.’ Along masih tersenyum. Fizi masih terkulat-kulat di depan Along, sengihnya ke telinga.

‘Along nak bagi aku apa?’ dia bertanya, tidak sabar. Dia pasti dia akan mendapat 5A. Setiap kali Along memeriksa jawapan yang ditanda di kertas soalan, Along pasti senyum.

‘Itu rahsia lah!’ Along tersenyum. Dia mahu mendesak Along untuk memberitahu tentang hadiahnya, tetapi Along memotong cakapnya.

‘Adik pergi tunjuk kat mak, Along nak solat sekejap. Dah solat?’ Along menghulurkan kertas soalan kepada Fizi.

‘Dah. Aku dah solat dengan mak tadi.’ Fizi tersenyum. Sejak dulu lagi, Along selalu mengingatkannya supaya solat. Azizan dan Azam pun Along suruh solat. Dulu, Azam selalu ponteng solat, tapi Along tahu bila Azam bohong.

Satu hari, Along panggil Azam masuk bilik. Lama Azam dalam bilik Along. Masa tu, Fizi baru 7 tahun, Azam pula tingkatan 1. Tapi Fizi ingat sangat sebab, hari tu, Azam menangis lama. Bila dia keluar, Azam minta maaf dekat ayah dan mak, dengan Angah, Azizan dan peluk Fizi.

Selepas itu, Azam tak pernah tinggal solat. Tak pernah bohong.

Sekarang, Azam ada di Indonesia, Azam nak jadi doktor. Azizan pula belajar di Jepun, ambil kursus kejuruteraan. Angah dah kahwin, dia tinggal di Singapura. Bila Angah balik raya, Angah bawa balik anak-anaknya Amran dan Aira.

Along jadi pensyarah. Kata mak, Along pandai, sebab tu Along jadi pensyarah. Fizi pun rasa Along pandai. Along selalu ajar Fizi. Dulu, Azizan dan Azam pun Along ajar. Sebab tu la Azizan dan Azam jadi pandai macam Along. Fizi pun mesti jadi pandai sebab Along yang ajar. Fizi terlena malam itu dengan senyuman yang membawa kepada mimpi indah dia menjadi pemain bola negara.

‘Sampai bila kita nak biarkan dia macam tu? Kita patut buat sesuatu.’ Fizi cari mak, nak minta izin main bola, tapi dia dengar suara ayah. Fizi tunggu sekejap. Mungkin ayah dah nak habis cakap. Fizi tunggu di luar pintu bilik ayah dan mak. Tunggu sampai ayah dan mak habis bercakap.

‘Bukannya kita tak sayangkan dia bang. Lagipun, saya tengok dia okay je.’ Suara mak nyaring. Fizi tak faham apa yang mak cakap. Siapa yang okay?

‘Nampak je okay, kalau kita betul-betul sayangkan dia, kita patut biar dia betul-betul bahagia.’ Suara ayah ketat, menahan perasaan. Fizi makin tidak faham. Ayah nak biar siapa bahagia? Fizi bahagia. Along pun bahagia. Mak dan ayah tak bahagia ke?

‘Awak faham apa maksud saya. Along dah lama meninggal... tapi…’ Fizi tolak daun pintu. Dia mahu penjelasan. Kenapa ayah kata Along dah meninggal?

Tiba-tiba, ada tangan tarik lengannya. Along. Bila pula Along balik kerja?

Mata Along merah. Fizi tak pernah nampak muka Along macam hari ini. Along meletakkan jari telunjuk di bibirnya, menyuruh Fizi diam. Fizi terkejut, bukan sebab mata Along merah, bukan sebab muka Along, tapi sebab Along pegang lengan Fizi. Selama ini, Along tak pernah pegang Fizi.

‘Along, kenapa ayah dan mak cakap macam tu?’ Fizi bertanya. Along diam.

‘Along, ayah dan mak cakap pasal siapa?’ Fizi bertanya. Along diam.

‘Kenapa ayah cakap Along dah mati?’ Fizi bertanya. Along diam.

Along bawa Fizi keluar. Along diam tak cakap apa-apa. Tapi, air mata Along tak berhenti mengalir. Fizi peluk bola. Fizi tak suka tengok Along menangis. Along bawa Fizi ke hujung kampung. Pertama kali Along bawa Fizi ke sini, Azizan dapat tawaran pergi Jepun. Masa Azam bertolak ke Indonesia pun, Along bawa Fizi ke sini. Tapi hari ini, Fizi rasa takut.

Bukan sebab Fizi takut tempat itu, tapi sebab Along lain sangat. Sebab ayah cakap Along dah meninggal. Kalau Along dah meninggal, yang dengan Fizi ini siapa? Yang belikan bola Adidas yang dipeluknya ini siapa? Yang mengaji setiap hari selepas Maghrib itu siapa? Fizi keliru.

‘Fizi.’ Along panggil nama Fizi. ‘Fizi tahu tak, kenapa kita selalu datang sini?’ air mata Along jatuh lagi.

Fizi rasa makin takut. Petang sudah lewat. Angin bertiup perlahan, Fizi bau wangi tiba-tiba. Bunga kemboja gugur dan jatuh dekat Fizi. Fizi rasa mahu menangis. Dia peluk bola kuning itu erat-erat.

‘Fizi, ingat Along?’ Along bertanya tapi soalan itu macam mengarut. ‘Fizi ingat tak, mula-mula Fizi jumpa Along?’ Fizi pandang muka Along. Along nampak manis bertudung ungu. Tapi, Along tak senyum.

‘Fizi, ingat tak Along?’ soal Along lagi. ‘Fizi ingat tak abang long?’

Fizi mula sesak nafas. Dia mula nampak seorang lelaki berambut ikal. Lelaki itu ketawa. Dia nampak lelaki itu cium Along.  Along pegang tangan lelaki itu, Along senyum bahagia sangat.

Fizi pegang stering kereta. Pusing-pusing. Fizi ingat bunyi kuat.

‘Awak, saya sayang awak. Tolong jaga diri, dan tolong saya jaga keluarga saya.’

‘Fizi ingat. Fizi ingat…’ Fizi menangis. Bola kuning-ungu yang dipeluknya tadi jatuh, bergolek ke dalam pagar tempat batu-batu nisan banyak.