Sunday, July 25, 2010


Darl, am sorry I hv bn a selfish bitch these days. Thanks 4 bearing me. Love u much. btw, I tossed the last few ciggies into the thrash bin. I promise I won't smoke anymore. Nyte.

I dnt think ure selfish. at least not with me :-). Its the right decision to toss em away, im so happy :-D. go 2 bed nw, ily :-D

And that's the end of me and the red box and white lighter I've been buying.

Smoking doesn't make you feel better.

Or me. Especially me.

Maybe it is 30 after 2 in the morning. I have been feeling quite shitty while smoking. It really doesn't make me feel better. No. But I had two anyway.

Seriously, it is crappy. All those chemicals don't make me happy. Not at all.

And I was reminded of my first ever. I was, what? 14 or 15? It was out of curiosity. I didn't cough like every first timer we see on TV. It didn't revolt me either. It is as if the cig was made for me. Hey, I'm a natural. Like that 2 year old Indonesian baby? Yeah, just that my parents were two responsible peeps back then. Else I won't be here, crapping. I'd be pushing up daisies.

I looked into the mirror in the washroom. I saw a quite pretty young lady. Okay, I may not have high cheek bones, no flawless radiant fair skin. But I am pretty. hey, I am.

There are 5 remnants in the almost crumpled red box. I promised. They are my last, after failing to just flush all of them in the toilet. Or just toss them into the thrash bin. I don't know if it's a promise I could keep.

And just suddenly, I felt my stomach revolt.

Am a Mess

I felt empty. I did everything I could think of. I cleaned. I ate. I washed my face. I tried reading. And finally, dragged my first fag in two days.
Paranoia crept under every inch of my skin as I smoke in the students' washroom.

Flushed the stub down. I smelled my hair, in case the pungent smell would wake my room mates up. I double checked that I have locked the door. An as I lay on the bed, trying to sleep, since it's two in the morning - wait, that makes it 3 days smoking free-  I heard a line from some drama on TV.

"Solat Karina. Solat itu pengubat jiwa." or something similar.

Ah.. Guidance belongs to Allah, He gives it to whom he pleases. And it may come to you from whatever form. Even the one you never expect. And I closed my eyes to sleep.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Waiting for Magic or Punishment

Almost one in the afternoon. People passing by in twos or groups. Most of them are smiling, eyes lit up although a little squinted in the heat. It is inevitable to realize that I'm alone and fucked up messy.

Smoking here where at any moment I could expect someone dear to show up and catch me red handed. My egos are shouting at each other in my head under the burning sun. I almost wish I could cry but no tears came.

Inhaling the poisonous smoke, I could hear mom's voice suddenly standing in front of me. She almost shout, but her voice is cracking at the same time. She asked, for the zillionth time "Why?"

And as the smoke finally finds light, I realized, nobody will come for me. Not to punish me, nor to save me.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Yang Sebenarnya

Aku beritahu kau;

Aku jahat; aku hisap rokok, aku rosak, aku hancur.

Aku bukan bagitahu keburukan aku, aku sedang bertanya, kau boleh terima aku seadanya?