Nikotin namanya.

Tangannya menggenggam erat kotak merah kecil. Dia mengheret tubuh lesunya yang dibaluti sehelai tuala ke bilik mandi.
Tuala beralih ke rel besi di dinding. Tanpa memandang ke cermin di hadapannya, dia membuka kotak merah tadi. Enam. Masih ada enam lagi selain isi yang ditangannya. Dia melabuhkan punggung di atas tandas duduk.
Yang dilihat mata hanya satu tubuh yang terbakar, hakikatnya ada dua jasad yang sedang mati perlahan dalam definisi sendiri tanpa mengikut hukum relatif. Dia menyedut segala rasa yang ada dalam-dalam. Kepalanya mula melayang ke daerah nikotin. Ringan.
Dia membiarkan dirinya lepas begitu. Mata yang pejam terbuka memandang dua jari yang mengepit sebatang tubuh yang fiziknya terbakar, sedangkan sebenarnya ia sedang membakar tubuhnya yang lesu. Dia memeluk dirinya sendiri.
Dia rasa kosong. Apakah erti kewujudan dirinya seperti sebatang puntung nikotin itu juga? Selepas habis, dibuang terus, langsung tak diingati? Dihisap habis rasanya dan tinggal kosong?
Lama pula hayat puntung jahanam ini, fikirnya. Dia mengeluh, mulutnya serasa kelat tembakau, jemarinya dilonglai sengaja, terlepas jatuh ke bawah.
Mungkin beginilah cara dia meninggalkan aku, membuang aku terus dari hidupnya, dia bermonolog sendiri.
Lantas dihalakan air membasahi rongga oral dan serata ubun dan tubuhnya agar tidak lagi kebakar.

When I fall I became hopeless, pathetic, gullible, emotional, sensitive and irrational that you could not simply believe that behind all those there is one decent person who actually have both a brain and a heart because everything I do will be inexplicable as the mysteries of the universe are.

In other words, I'm an idiot.

Loving You

It is a lie
when I woke up in my hectic mornings with my head filled with your words
when I dream of you in my sleepless nights
when I said I would miss you when we are apart

The truth is, I want you to be the one who go through this.

Bayangkan

Cuba menadah air dalam tapak tangan.
Begitu.
Aku cuba untuk tidak fikirkan kamu.

Aku cari bayang kamu di mana sahaja.
Aku lihat kamu pada siapa sahaja.

Cuba sembunyi di padang pasir kontang.
Begitu.
Melainkan aku kambus diriku hilang ke dalam debu waktu.

Melainkan perasaan ini jelas melemaskan.
Melainkan nyata aku tak berdaya.

Tidak mampu. Seluruh urat saraf dipenuhi rindu kamu.

Dissimulative

If I wasn't left crying alone all these years, I would have known what to say to you now.

Since I was small, the one lesson that I've learn again and again is that when you cry, you cry alone. And it's true in all occasion.

Yes. You were never there when I needed you. You weren't there when I broke up with my first boyfriend. You weren't there when I had a fight with my best friend. You weren't there when I didn't get selected to be the head prefect. You weren't even there when I started to become a woman.

You were a void.

And I hated you with every fiber that made up my being. Including those half that came from you. And I still hate you because I'm becoming more like you.

"It's not about me. You have to do it for yourself." my eyes felt hot, giving me away. My voice trembled betrayingly. The tears that I had been holding back finally broke. I was not sure if my voice was comprehensible. I looked away.

I don't know why it hurt so much to see your tears. After hating you for almost a lifetime, I shouldn't be here crying with you who had forsaken me.

The memory of a younger me came to mind as if it was yesterday. I was always sick. I was always very sick. It was late at night. I vomited on my bed. And in a flash, I saw an angry you. I saw my child self cleaning up after myself. I shook my head try to shake the bitter feeling that came with that particular memory.

But then another memory came. The memory of being beaten for some silly mistakes.  A gauge clicked inside me. This is what we call grudge. And it makes you ugly inside out.

"You can't live your life hating him forever. You have to move on. Stop thinking about what he did to you, stop thinking about what had happened in the past." I tried to look at her. She was biting her lips. Tears still falling down her powdered cheek. And even if I didn't see those tears, I'd know what I said is true.

"No, I never thought about him. I hated him." she said. And it sounded like a lie. In fact, it was the biggest lie ever told. I know what he did to you. I now understand what it felt. I was raised under the circumstances so that I could understand, but there was nothing that I could say to change anything.

"That's a lie." I said blatantly. "And you know it is. You think about him every day. Every time you lie on your bed you think about how he did you wrong. I know you felt like your life was wasted on him. But you can't go on like this. Live for yourself. Don't let him do this to you." I stopped before I could say - You hate him, remember? But I nodded to myself.

That's what I told myself everyday so that I won't be like you and him.

I wiped the remnants of tears on my cheeks and in my eyes. I looked at Emma. Young and fragile, listening trying to understand what the hell I'm talking about.

I stood up, straighten my face and went to the kitchen to fix lunch.

Paranoia Bertulis

Hey.

I said. And we were... friends?

I told you things about me. I told you secrets I dare not tell anyone else. I said the darnest things.

Hey.

You said. And we were... friends?

You told me things about you. You told me secrets you dare not tell anyone else. You said the darnest things.

That's it. We are... friends.
And my paranoid self keep on telling me, you don't like me as much as I like you.

Percaya dan orang asing adalah oxymoron.

"Aku percaya kamu; orang asing." bagaikan satu penipuan yang ditulis di atas kertas, ditampal di muka.

Kamu tidak percaya. Aku juga kurang pasti.

Tak mengerti.

Aku percaya kamu; orang asing.

Mungkin kerana di hati aku, kamu bukan orang asing.

Aku tak tahu apa warna kegemaran kamu (pink?), apa hobi kamu (kumpul setem?), apa cita-cita dan harapan kamu, apa yang kamu mahu, tapi aku tahu..

Kamu boleh faham jika kamu mahu.

Kerana hati kau pernah berlegar di ruang yang serupa. Hampir sama dengan gelap yang aku harung.